Archive for April 4, 2014




4 April 2014

“Good morning Chuck. Do you have any big plans for the weekend?”

“Big plans…hmmm…no, I think I’ll just do the usual.  I’ll go to the mall, meet some of my friends, drink coffee, tell lies. Then, I’ll go across the street to McDonald’s, meet other friends, drink coffee, tell lies. That’s the way it goes.”

I said, “It’s still cold, that wind is what makes it bad.”

“Yeah, every year we get that south wind. At first it blows cold, then later on it brings that warm air up from the States.”

“Have you ever thought of living someplace warmer?”

“Every day.  It could never be too warm for me. If I had the money, not that I’ll ever get any. I buy one lottery ticket a month and a few of those scratch cards. If I ever won the big jackpot, I’d move to Nevada or Colorado.”

“Would you go to Las Vegas?”

“Oh, I might spend a couple of weeks there, but I’d like to buy a place away from the city. I’d have one of those grabber sticks to catch rattlesnakes.”

“What would you do with the rattlesnakes?”

“Oh, I’d just throw them away, or I might skin them and make snake-skin belts. That might be something I’d like to do.

“If I won money, one thing I’d like to treat myself to — I know it’s selfish, but I’d like to buy a season ticket for the Leafs games. I’m not even sure I’ll be around for a complete season.  It pisses me off, I pay full price for a ticket and my wheelchair, or my walker, is parked in the aisle. I’m not even taking up a seat.

“Have you ever heard of the painted desert?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard of it. I may have seen it in a television documentary.”

“I was asking one of my buddies, ‘Do you know how the painted desert got that way?’ He said, ‘No.’  I said, it started with those pioneers in their Conestoga wagons heading west. On the bumpy trail a paint can fell off. It started rolling, the lid came off and painted the rocks along the way. Other pioneers following thought that it looked nice, so they’d paint a rock here, a rock there. After a few years it was all painted. That’s what you see today.

“The next day he came up to me and said, ‘You son of a bitch. You were lying to me yesterday.’

“You know those ticker tape messages that come across the bottom of the television screen. It use to be that they’d have an entire channel that way. I don’t know if you remember when they ended that fifteen year war in Lebanon. It was back in ’91. My son Chuck Junior could read by then, but not very well. They flashed a headline ‘Lebanese end Civil War.’ Chuck just glanced at it, from the corner of his eye and said, ‘I didn’t know they had a war in Lesbian.’ I laughed at that.

“Have you heard about three blonds that walked…”

I asked, “Where are they? I don’t see them.”

“They’re not here, I’m telling you a joke. Have you heard about the three blonds that walked into a building?… You’d think that at least one of them would have had the sense not to. That’s my joke, I made that up, it’s original.

“It reminds me of a party we once had a long time ago. It was getting late, we were running out of booze and one of the guys said, ‘I guess it’s time we sent the women down to the market to earn some money for more booze.’ I said, ‘That won’t work. I sent Muriel down last week and she came back with twenty dollars and ten cents.’ I asked her, ‘Who was the cheap bastard who paid you ten cents. She said, ‘All of them.’ That came from the devilment way down inside me.

“There is one thing that makes me mad. I live near this stadium. The city spent fifty thousand laying sod. The next year they ripped it all out and put in a parking lot.

“See that guy in the wheelchair that just went by. He’s a nasty son of a bitch. He hates everyone. He’s got no legs, but that’s no reason to take it out on other people. If someone is in his way he’ll run them right over. He doesn’t care. Sometimes, I’ll look in the mirror and wonder if life is worth living, then I look down at Goldie and I know why I’m here.”