Archive for April 29, 2014




29 April 2014

“Dennis, I haven’t seen you for ages! How you doin!’ yelled Hippo. He gave me a big bear hug.

I replied. “Hi Hippo, how are you making out in your apartment; any problems?”

“Can you get me a shotgun?”

“It’s that bad is it?

“Hi Wolf, Shaggy, Jacques, Debbie, Stan.” Jacques handed me a cushion to sit on.

Mariah said, “You just missed Joy. She was here this morning, but she left a while ago.”

Wolf said, “Yeah, she was looking good. She wasn’t swinging a bottle around. In fact, I didn’t see her drinking at all. She seemed happy, so everything must be going well with Big Jake. We’ll keep our fingers crossed.”

Wolf said, “Dennis, did I tell you why Shaggy has a sock on her foot?” I nodded in the negative. “I didn’t tell you, when I saw you Friday? Anyway, she’d been limping. At first I thought that her whole leg was affected by the care accident a few years ago; but I took a close look and noticed that she’s worn two of the pads down by dragging her paw. Now if it was me, I know how bad a scrape can hurt. I can deal with getting knocked out, but the pain of a hangnail just kills. me. She doesn’t like wearing her winter boots. By the time we get to the bridge she’ll have one kicked off. Towards the end of the winter she’ll have lost all of them. Now the sock, she doesn’t seem to mind. She hasn’t once tried to take it off. So, I think I did a good thing. It was white when I put it on this morning. Now it’s dirty and starting to wear through. It looks like she’ll need a new sock every day.

“I got something to show you. I told you that one of my regulars dropped some books off for me.  I got another one this morning. One of my Thursday ladies made a special trip, because she heard that it may be raining for the next few days. I thought that was really sweet. Anyway, have a look…” he handed me the book. “What do you think? I haven’t even read the back cover. Does it look like my kind of book?”

I browsed through the pages of the book, read the back cover and said, “Yeah, Wolf, it has good reviews. It looks like the kind of shoot-em-ups you read; crime, detectives, the lot. The print is large, you’ll like that.”

Stan interrupted, “Does any body mind if I smoke?”

‘No, that’s cool, ” was the general consensus.

“The only thing is, when I smoke, I don’t share…just kidding!” He passed the joint to Mariah who took a drag, she passed it to Debbie, then on to Rhino.”

“None for me thanks, ” I said.

“I remembered that you didn’t smoke, at least not last year. Maybe this year you’ve changed.”

“I don’t smoke or drink at noon;  that doesn’t mean I don’t at other times. Jacques knows that.” He nodded.

Stan said to Wolf, “How about you? You want some of this?”

“Thanks, but I’m going to have some from Jacques’ pipe. I don’t cough so much with that.”

Jacques said, “The only reason you cough is because the pot is dry. If it’s fresh it shouldn’t cause you any problems. The the hole in the pipe is quite large.” He lit up and passed the pipe to Wolf, who started coughing.

Wolf said, “See, I’ve just proved that I’m a hypocrite. I said that I didn’t cough when I used Jacques’ pipe. You know, we could be smoking crack, nobody’d know the difference.”

Debbie said to Rhino, “Did you know I’ve moved? I’m on Parliament now. I’ve already been kicked out of one of the grocery stores and the mall.”

Wolf said to me, “I wouldn’t brag about something like that. You should see me between seven and nine. I’m a real gentleman, when I’m talking to my regulars –‘Yes ma’am, yes sir, thank you ma’am, have a nice day.’ It’s only after I get into the booze that I get like this. Occasionally, at my beer store, they’ll say to me. Is there anybody else that can buy your beer for you. I can understand that; they’re just doing their job. They’re not allowed to sell to anybody under the influence. I just walk out. I don’t cause any fuss. Little Frank, on the other hand. If they refuse to sell to him, he’ll swear, call them names. He’ll be barred for a month.”

It was time for me to leave, so I said my goodbyes, shook hands all around. Wolf said, “You may not see me for the next few days, if it’s raining. I’m more of a fair weather friend.”





29 April 2014

“Good morning, Chuck. It’s another cold one.”

“Yeah, that’s why I pulled my hood up and wrapped my scarf around my face. I should have worn my winter coat. I was out earlier walking Goldie. My doctor wants me to walk a bit every day to help my muscles. To the end of the block and back is the most that I can do.

“I get so mad sometimes waiting to get on the bus. People see the ramp coming down, they hear the beeping. Sometimes they try to jump on while the ramp is still coming down. In the process they’re trying to jump over me. I really give them shit. The bus driver just laughs, because he knows I’m right. He just shakes his head.

“I’m so fucking mad today. I’m still having trouble over my television bill of eighty-six dollars. The bank made a mistake. They admitted they sent the money to the wrong account. I asked them to phone Bell. They won’t do that. I talked to a lady at Bell last night and she said everything was straightened out. She also said they would be sending me a refund for an overcharge for programming that I didn’t receive. I was supposed to get a check for fifty dollars. They sent me a check for a hundred and fifteen. I was just trying to be honest, I phoned Bell, got some guy with an Indian accent, and told him the situation. He looked up my account and said that I still owed eighty-six dollars. I told him that had all been settled. I’d paid the bill and had the receipt in front of me. He called me a liar. Then he said, ‘That might be a  bit strong, but the bill still shows as still being outstanding. If it’s not paid we’ll cut off your service.’ At that point I slammed the receiver down. I’m going to have to go to their office, if I can find it,  and get this straightened out.”

I asked, “Have you heard anything more from your son, about laying sod with Bearded Bruce?”

“As far as I know it’s still on, but I don’t know any details.

“I heard a joke today. Some jokes leave words out. This is one of those. Okay, there was this circus with two rings. In one ring were some acrobats. In the other ring were some strippers. In the first ring they performed cunning stunts. In the second ring they exhibited stunning ____. You have to fill in the missing word.

“There’s another one that I made up when I was a kid. I got in trouble for it in school. We had this question on an exam paper, ‘What is the difference between poetry and prose?’ I wrote, ‘Poetry rhymes, prose doesn’t; for example:

“There was a young woman from Vars
the water came up to her belt.’

“That’s prose.

If it was poetry it would rhyme:

“There was a young woman from Vars
the water came up to her ___.’

” The teacher got so mad. Do you get it? The missing word is ‘arse’.

There are a bunch like that. One time I was sitting alone at a bar in Newfoundland. Two guys from across the room asked, ‘Do you know any Newfy jokes?’ I said, ‘Yes.’ I thought that I was in for a pounding; but they said, ‘Come on over, we’ll buy you a drink.’  I know a lot of jokes. I kept telling them, they kept the beer coming. When I left, I could barely walk. They called a cab and made sure I got home safe.