Archive for May 13, 2014




“Good morning Chuck. Is it going to rain today?”

“That’s what they’ve forecast, showers later on. That means no work for me.”

“The last time we spoke you mentioned that you were writing out your will. How is that going?”

“It’s all done. There are just a few things I have to change. I’ve got two lamps with red globes. They have a nice light, but too low for reading. I want to make sure my girlfriend gets those. The other stuff is pretty much settled. I want to get everyone together so we can discuss it. I’ve got one daughter and four sons. There are a few things that I’m not sure who would want.”

I asked, “Is your wheelchair fixed?”

“No, it’ll be raining tomorrow so I’ll phone the shop, They’ll pick it up then return it to me in about a week. The paperwork all has to go through social services. I can’t stand those people, they won’t hurry anything. They’ll either agree to fix it, replace it, or they wont. It’s a piece of shit machine. It’s not even the one I ordered. What I ordered, and what I had before was a Quantum 6000. What they gave me was a Quantum 1402. There’s a big difference. When social services asked me why I accepted it, I said, ‘They had me in a room at the back, I had no way to get home. They forced me.’ I even told the worker, “I need that wheelchair. If I don’t get it, and I’m held prisoner in my home all winter, I’ll kill myself.’

“I’ve got it all planned out too. I’ll go to a strip club, have a cigarette, order a whiskey and a lap dance. If that doesn’t kill me, I’ll try again.  The last thing I see in hope to see in this world is be a nice, sweet pussy. That reminds me of a joke. This old guy phoned a call girl. She arrived and they were doing the nasty in his bed.  It was too much for him and he died. The case went to court and the judge asked the hooker what happened. She said, ‘We was a humpin’ and a bumpin’. He said, ‘I’m comin’, but he never said he was a goin’.

I asked, “Did you get any more of your antibiotics.”

“No, I didn’t. That’s something I’m going to do when I leave here. I also have to go to the grocery store and get a twenty pound bag of Cesar cat food, the dry roast kind. It’s the cheapest. Then I’ll also get some of the salmon, lamb and turkey flavored food to mix it with it. They even have  duck, wild boar & rabbit, maybe I’ll try some of those, see how she likes them. That will be Goldie taken care of. Then I’ll go to the drug store to see about my antibiotics. I still feel a bit snuffly.

A large German shepherd on a leash was crossing the street towards Goldie. She started getting very agitated. I patted her head. Chuck put his cap over her. He said, “Some of these dog owners should be shot. They don’t care how close their dog gets to me. Goldie will attack in order to protect me. Even when I tell them, ‘Keep your dog away from me!’ they’ll just mouth off saying, ‘My dog has every right to be here. On the bus the other night, this guy sat near me acting all important, doing stuff on his laptop. When he got up to leave he put his face right up to mine and yelled, “I don’t like your dog being on this bus!’

“Nobody knows the future, they could step off the curb and get hit by a car. In my case it could be three seconds and I’d be dead. Goldie is trained to let me know if I’m about to have a seizure, so I can at least sit down or lie down. Problem is, if I have a seizure, that’s it, game over.

I was riding along the sidewalk one day, and a woman opened her car door right in front of me. I was able to maneuver my chair so that  the door came right between my seat and my arm rest. There was only about an inch to spare. My chair wasn’t damaged, but I nearly took her door off. I told her, ‘There’s no damage to my chair. Don’t report it to the police, because you’ll be charged. Don’t report it to your insurance company, or your rates will go up. The least expensive thing to do is to just pay for the repairs to your car.’ She said that she wanted to call the police. I said, ‘Here’s my name and phone number. Do what you like.’ Well, she didn’t take my advice. In fact, she went right down to the police station and filled out a statement and signed it. Later, a  police woman phoned me. I said, ‘This must be the easiest case you’ve had. You’ve already got a sworn confession.’  She said to me, “Either you know a lot about the law, or you’re very funny.’ I said, ‘I know a pretty woman when I hear one and I coming over to give you a kiss.’ She laughed at that.