JV’s – 14 May 2014

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“Hi Two-four,” I said. “It looks like a good morning, until the rain starts.”

“Yeah, it’s supposed to rain all week. I’ve been telling my regulars that tomorrow is my pay-day, so I’m hoping the rain holds off until after ten. I have my hangover scheduled for Friday.”

“Good morning Chuck. How are you feeling today?”

“A lot better. I had to get up about a hundred times to go to the bathroom, because of my pills, so I didn’t get much sleep. It’s really awkward; I’m not allowed to eat two and a half hours before or after taking some of these. Tomorrow is the last day for my antibiotics, so I’ll feel better after that. I can’t figure it out, some of the ones they gave me have a blood thinner in them. I already take ten warfarin a day. I forgot to mention to them that I also take four Tylenol a day. So far, at least, they haven’t killed me.

A woman dropped some change and a message in Chuck’s cap. The message read, ‘Jesus Saves!’  Chuck said, “I don’t go in much for religion — although I am a Catholic —  but that girl is sweet.  Next time a Jehovah’s Witness comes knocking on your door, tell them you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back.

When they explain that they cannot give out their home number, you say,
“I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?”
They’ll agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel! So fuck off”.

I hate people trying to force their religion on me. One time they had a big Jehovah’s Witness Convention at the stadium across from where I lived. There were three men in that house and we were usually drunk. Four or five times a day a group of these JV’s  would knock on our door. It was infuriating. It was a man and a woman one time.  I said, “I’m  Catholic and I’m going to stay that way. I don’t want to talk to anyone whose religion allows babies to die, when they need a blood transfusion.

“They have things all mixed up. It says in the Bible that we’re not to eat blood. A transfusion isn’t eating blood. When you kill an animal — I’m a hunter and know about this stuff — it’s common knowledge that blood coagulates then goes bad very quickly. That’s why the first thing we do is slit the throat of the animal and hang it until the blood runs out. It’s called bleeding the animal.  After it’s bled and butchered the meat is safe to eat.

“People following Islam or the Jewish faith don’t eat pork. That’s  because of Trichinosis, caused by parasites. If you eat undercooked pork, or wild game infected with the larvae of roundworms, you  get sick. If the meat is properly cooked you don’t. It’s as simple as that. 

“We had a veranda with a railing. I said to these JV’s who came to our door, ‘If anybody else from your group knocks on this door, I’m going to knock them over that railing. So spread it around.’ Later, three guys came over. I did just what I said I was going to do, punched the first one in the nose, gave the second an uppercut and backhanded the third. All three of them went over the railing.

“My mother was a very quiet gentle lady, partly because my dad used to beat the shit out of us, on a regular basis. But when my mother stomped her foot the whole house shook and we listened. There was a family of JV’s across the street from us. I don’t know how many times my mother told them we weren’t interested, but they kept coming. One time she happened to have a pot of water in her hand when they came over. She opened the door, threw the water at them and said, ‘Maybe now you’ll get the message. We’re not interested.’

“I didn’t get in many fights when I was a kid, but there are a few I remember. This one guy had me on my back and he grabbed me by the  balls and squeezed. It hurt. That’s just dirty fighting. I saw red. I had just enough room to slide my arm between his chest and mine. With the side of my fist I hit him in the nose, over and over again. I broke his nose and most of his front teeth. For that I got the strap from the principal and a beating from my father when I got home.

A woman in a red team jacket stopped by. “Hi Chuck, how are you. I usually see you from across the street. Today I decided to come over.”

Chuck said, “Hi Sharon, I’m always glad to see the mother of my granddaughter. How old is she now?”

“Twenty-three. I know we haven’t kept in contact very much, since I split with your son, so I don’t know what I’m considered now. Am I still a daughter-in-law, or how does that work? Maybe, I’m just an outsider.”

“Sharon, you’ll always be my daughter-in-law and I’m very glad to see you. Hell, I’m glad to see any beautiful woman.”

“Chuck, I think you’re a bit old to be thinking that way.”

“Do you think I don’t still have it in me? I can assure you that I do.”

“How many heart attacks have you had — is it forty?”

“Forty heart attacks and I’ve died nine times.”

“I remember visiting you in the hospital. They rushed us out of your room because they said you were going into cardiac arrest. I think you had three while we were waiting in the hall.

“Anyway, I’ve got to go to work. Bye, Chuck.”

I said, “I have to leave as well, but I’ll see you again soon.”

“Bye, Dennis. I’ll be here, as long as it’s not raining.”

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