Archive for May 15, 2014




15 May 2014

I looked out an office window and could see the sun shining. Thunder storms had been forecast and we had one over night, but the sidewalks looked dry, so I ventured out to see my friends.

I shook hands with Little Jake, Big Jake, Joy, Jacques and Wolf. I would have sat on the sidewalk, but Mariah said she was leaving anyway and handed me a piece of styrofoam, She said, “I’ve got to go home to fix my air conditioner, or try to fix my laptop, either one.” Jacques handed me a newspaper, so I had two things to sit on.

Big Jake said, “If you have any trouble with your computer, let me know. I can probably fix it.”

I overheard Joy saying, “I met this woman I haven’t seen for a while. I said to her, ‘Oh my God, I had a dream that your old man was shot in the face with a shotgun, while he was on a bus!’ The woman said, ‘My old man was shot in the face with a shotgun, but it wasn’t on a bus, it was at home.’ Isn’t that absolutely freaky?”

Wolf said, “I guess you heard about my little boo-boo, everybody’s heard about it, the Lord saw it,  everybody saw it. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about it.

“What do you think of my team?  We’ve got quite a streak going. Beat Boston on their home ice, now I have to wait until Saturday afternoon to see them play the Rangers in Montreal.”

Big Jake said, “Hey, Wolf look at that guy with the toilet seat on his backpack (referring to the Montreal crest). You should get one of those.Maybe he has a problem with diarrhea.”

“Yeah,” I said, “he’s got a porta-potty on his back.”

Wolf said, “Well I’ve got everything else, the jersey, the hat, but I’ve never seen that before. Hey, man, right on! The man turned and waved.

Wolf shouted, “Saturday we beat them, right!  The man gave a thumbs up.

“So I’ve got my granny pants on today.”

Joy said, “Wolf, I didn’t know they still made corduroy.”

“Yeah, one of my ladies gave these to me yesterday. The one that gave me the hardcover book last week. I offered to give it back, but she said no you keep it. Did you see the price; thirty bucks. I like those books with the big print. I put my goggles on; I’m in heaven. Anyway, I saw her running for the bus this morning and I yelled after her, ‘Hey lady, I got your pants on!’ People on the bus probably thought I was nuts.

“On the weekend the guys came to check my windows. I asked them if they wanted me to move my books.  I’ve got my books along the window sill. They said, ‘No, don’t bother. Your windows look alright. That’s all there was to that, But it got me thinking of Spring cleaning. I swept about ten times then got out the Javex. I spread it liberal, liberally– is that the word?  Anyway, I sloshed it all over the floor. Everybody in the building could smell it. ‘Yeah, that’s Wolf, cleaning again.’

“Joy, do you get any drops from those hard hat, construction guys?”

“No, not lately. I had a couple of regulars that worked on the hotel, but they’ve gone.”

Wolf said, “Sometimes when they’re driving around my corner, they’ll throw a hand full of change or some cigarettes. I’m out there on the road, scrambling. Shaggy’s going nuts.  People probably wonder what I’m doing out there, but it’s one of the — what’s the word? — tribulations of the profession. Trials and tribulations; that’s what I was trying to think of.

“So, they got me drunk on whiskey. That’s bad news for me. I told them, “When I’m on dummy dust, don’t leave me alone.’ It was Shakes and Little Jake, they kept rolling the bottle to me. I guess we went through three bottles of goof — that’s what we call it. I tried to walk. I fell down. My blood was all over the sidewalk here. I woke up in hospital. Shaggy was at the Humane Society. It took a few phone calls to find out where she was. Her caboose was someplace else, tipped over, everything all over the place.  I’ve known these guys fifteen years. They just left me there. That’s not right. You don’t do that to a friend.

“Do you feel that sunshine? You’re getting it on your chest. I’m feeling it on my back. It’s just like getting a ten minute massage. It feels so good.  I’m out in all kinds of weather. I’ll come home soaked to the skin, half-frozen. I really appreciate these warm spells we have. Everything is good.

Shaggy, I think it’s about time. She’ll let ninety-nine, maybe a hundred and five people go by, then she picks one to bite. Who’s it going to be girl? Who’s it going to be?”

Big Jake said, “Hey Wolf, here comes a skateboarder!” Shaggy turned her head and barked, but apart from that she lay still, her head on the sidewalk.

Wolf said, “Hey girl? What’s the matter? She hasn’t got much life left in her. See how she watches me. She’s afraid I’m going to leave her again. It’s okay girl, I just have to go for a piss. I’ll be right back.”

Jacques said, “What do you think of this weather. We’ve waited a long time for this. I’m going home to put my air conditioner in. Last fall I bought it for twenty bucks. The guy had two so I bought them both, just in case one breaks down. You see this big bag, from Ikea? Mariah brought it back to me. Yesterday I gave her a flat screen TV. It was nineteen inch. I already have a twenty-five. Stella gave it to me last week. She wasn’t here yesterday. I don’t know what happened. Maybe she had something going on. I wonder if she’ll be here next Wednesday. We’ll see.

“Yesterday, I got a whole album of dvds. There is one about the ocean, one about the mountains, it’s just like National Geographic. Most of them are still in their plastic covers. That should be worth something. Don’t you think?”

Wolf said, My VHS player is fucked. I only paid thirty-seven dollars for it at Walmart. I got about a hundred porn tapes from Weasel and have nothing to play them on. I get a message saying, ”BAD TAPE’. I’ve bought brand new tapes, but still get the same message, so I figure it’s fucked. I could take the machine back to Walmart, but I didn’t keep any of the paperwork.  Throwing away that shit is the only way I can keep my place tidy. Even if I had the papers, I’m not the best person to deal with these situations.”

A woman was walking towards us. Big Jake said, “Kat, how are you doing?”

She said, “Do I know you?”

“Yeah,” said Jake, “I m the one who beat your old man, or rather your ex old man, in the park.”

“I remember.” She gave Jake a big hug.





15 May 2014

“Hi Two-four,” I asked,” do you have your hangover planned?”

“Starting at ten thirty; that’s the plan. Actually, I don’t drink that much any more. A buddy and I are going out for a few beer. It’s not like when I was young; I could tell you a few stories, man.”

“I”d love to hear them sometime. Have a good day.”

“You too, Dennis.”

“Hi, Joy! How are you feeling?”

“Okay, my legs are sore.”

“Is that from your fibromyalgia?”

“Yeah, that and arthritis. My allergies are really bad too. Everybody I talk to about allergies has the same problem, we’re being bombarded from all sides, pollen, mold that was under the snow, dogs, cats. I love dogs and cats. I was at Mariah’s place patting Precious and, without thinking, I rubbed my eye. It nearly swelled shut, then tears came running down my face. You know that covering that’s over your eyeball. If my allergies are bad that swells up like a blister. Not a pretty site.

“Shoo, damn pigeons! I hate those birds. They’re worse than shithawks. I’ve been coughing up this horrible green stuff since the pneumonia. After you’ve had it once you’re always susceptible. Anyway, I horked up a real goober and spat  on this pigeon.  It didn’t even move; they’re that lazy.

“Can you keep my seat warm. I haven’t had a pee since I came down this morning.”

“Sure. “

“Okay I’m back. Did you make anything?

“No, I’m not lucky today. So how is Mariah?”

“I don’t know. I’ve only seen her a couple of times. I don’t like her when she’s drunk. She was at my place,  drinking her vodka straight. Hippo was over too. For some reason she picked up his backpack. I don’t know what that was about. He said, “Hey, leave my backpack alone.” She got him in a headlock. I separated them, then she tried to get me in a headlock. I said, “That’s not gonna happen.” That’s her favorite; grab someone by the hair, put them in a headlock, then punch them in the face. So, I kicked her out, haven’t seen her since.”

I said, “Chuck was telling me that he’s having problems with his wheelchair.”

“That’s bullshit. Those chairs are ten thousand dollars. He didn’t buy it, he’s renting it. If anything happens, the company is responsible for repairs. If he’s having problems he just needs to talk to his worker. It’ll get sorted.

“Jake was having trouble with his chair. There was something wrong underneath, and the hand control wasn’t working. It’s always pulled to the right since he got it. The company picked it up, fixed it, brought it back. No problem.

“It’s the same with the vet bills that Chuck pays. Goldie is a service dog, she’s covered by our medical plan. You’ve just got to know the system. It’s not that difficult.

“I asked, “How is Jake?”

“He’s getting to be a pain in the ass. I’m going to have to kick him out for a while.”

“How about his hip operation? Has that been scheduled yet?”

“He was supposed to have that fixed before he went into prison, but he pissed around, never got it done. He’s been on the priority list since he got out and he’s missed three appointments. They’re going to stop scheduling him if he doesn’t show up when he’s supposed to. I’ve given up. It’s his problem.”


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Posted: May 15, 2014 in Uncategorized

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