Archive for October 10, 2014

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10 October 2014

André said, “As soon as I finish my beer, we should head over to my place.”

Outcast asked, “Is it tidy? It looks really nice when all the garbage is off the floor.”

André said, “I had people over last night, so it’s a bit messy, but not too bad. Mariah and Joy were over. We had a great time. One of my friends is really shy. As soon as Joy found that out she threw herself all over the guy. He didn’t know what to do.

Mariah said, “I talked to Joy this morning at 10:00. She said she’d just woken up and had a horrible hangover, so she won’t be coming here today.”

Curt asked, “How is Joy, anyway?”

André said, “She’s complaining about a sore tendon in her leg. You can actually see it. It’s like a chicken foot, you pull on the tendon and the claws scrunch up. She said there’s no way she’s going to see the doctor. The last time she saw him he put her in hospital for a month and a half. I don’t know how she could stand it. I was in for two weeks and I nearly went nuts.

Last night, I couldn’t eat at all. I made a really good soup, but I put in too many hot peppers. When those peppers hit my stomach they came right back up again. Hippo ate enough for everybody. What does he weigh now? 240, 260? I gave him a ride on my bike yesterday. The suspension went right to the bottom.

“I’ve got to get my roommate straight on a few things. I told him this morning, ‘Either you start pulling your weight, or you’re outa here. I cooked a meal last night, what’s wrong with you doing the dishes? I did the laundry. Do you think that the washers, dryers and laundry soap is free? I have to pay for that stuff. It cost me ten bucks yesterday.’

“I put up a list of rules:

  1. Don’t be an asshole!
  2. No fighting.
  3. If you see something that doesn’t belong to you, don’t touch it.
  4. There is only one Queen around here (the cat). We don’t need any Drama Queens.
  5. If you make a mess, clean it up.
  6. Bring your own booze.
  7. Bring your own weed.
  8. Bring your own cigarettes.
  9. If you disagree with any of the above rules, see André.

 

 

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10 October 2014

“Good morning, Dennis. Is everything alright? I missed you yesterday.”

I said, “Yesterday I overslept. Luckily my wife had a late shift and was able to drive me to work.”

“When you say you overslept, was it because of what you were doing in bed before you went to sleep. You dog.”

I asked, “What have you been up to?”

“I was at the hospital, my grandson had a heart attack.”

I said, “I’m sorry to hear that, Chuck. How old is he?

He’s only 54. It’s the life he’s led, fights, drinking, drugs and smoking. He’s cut out the drugs and drinking, but refuses to quit smoking. I said to him, “You silly jackass. All your life you’ve been making the wrong choices. Think of it this way, ‘You smoke, you die.’ I’ve been through the same thing myself.  I can’t make it any clearer for you.

“He loves to fight. One time he’d bought some drugs on credit. He was to pay for them in a week. The dealer was with a motorcycle gang. There was a misunderstanding about payment and my grandson was beaten up. He walked into the biker bar where the club met. Sat down with some of the big shots from the club, slammed his fist down on the table, and explained why he didn’t owe them money. They’d get it on payday.

“There was a punk wannabe who thought he’d score some points with the club. He sucker punched my grandson in the side of the head and knocked him to the floor. My grandson got up and broke the guy’s nose. So much for the wannabe’s chances of impressing the club. He slunk off to a corner to nurse his broken nose.

“That was the kind of trouble he got into all through his life.

“On to something entirely different. I was invited out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. I wanted to make a good impression, and my fingernails were looking pretty rough. I went to one of those nail places you see in the malls. I noticed a lot of pretty Asian women there. One of them came up to me and said, ‘We have a hot tub in the back. How many of us would you like.?’ I said, ‘I didn’t know what kind of place this was. I just came in to get my nails done.’ It sure was tempting. I had tree hundred dollars in my pocket, but I had plans for the night. I still think of what could have happened if I took her up on her offer.

I asked, “Do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?”

“No, I’m going to pick up a small chicken. Some potatoes and… the word escapes me… It’s a vegetable, yellow, turnip, that’s what it is. I’m going to get one of those baby turnips, they’re nice and sweet. I’ll mix some breadcrumbs with eggs to make them stick together, add some spices, then stuff it into the chicken. How about you?”

“We’re having a small dinner with my son. There will just be the three of us. We’ll be doing that on Monday. Saturday and Sunday we’ll be Pulling in the dock, closing the cabin for winter and trying to keep the squirrels out.

“ENjoy your weekend, Chuck. I’ll see you on Tuesday.”

“Happy Thanksgiving, Dennis.”

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