Cunning Stunts

Posted: April 23, 2015 in Dialog, Prose
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

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23 April 2015

“Good morning, Chuck, it’s another cold one.”

“No, we live in Canada. It’s not cold, if you’re dressed for the weather. As long as it doesn’t start raining again, I’ll be happy.”

“Was it raining before?”

“It sure was. There was a real downpour for about fifteen minutes. I went across to the library to take shelter below the overhang.”

I said, “You mentioned that you were having trouble sleeping. How was it last night?”

“I had a great sleep last night. I took a sleeping pill, but my friend from Cornwall, the one who just got back from the Caribbean, bought me lunch yesterday. I had a huge place of salmon with mashed potatoes and vegetables. I was really stuffed. When I got home I ate two muffins then started watching the hockey game. I fell asleep on the couch and didn’t wake up until 4:00 am. I took my nighttime pills, slept until about 5:15, took my morning pills, then ate breakfast.

“Earlier I was talking to a woman and a man handed me a paper cup. I didn’t recognize the brand, but he had another one for himself, so I figured it would be okay. I took one sip. It was horrible. I don’t know what it was, brown liquid, no sugar, no cream. I asked the woman to get rid of it for me. I still have that awful taste in my mouth and I feel a bit strange. Not sick strange, but weird. It may have been drugged, but not with anything I recognized.”

I said, Joy was drugged once. It was all she could do to stagger to the Mission. She laid down for a couple of hours, then she was okay.”

Chuck said, “I had food poisoning once. That was bad. I thought I was going to die. It was my own fault. I had some fish in the fridge and it smelled a bit funny. I should have thrown it out.”

I got a joke for you, “There was this Newfy and another fella, out in a dory. The Newfy was rowing away and to keep time he was singing:

” ‘I’s the b’y that builds the boat
And I’s the b’y that sails her
I’s the b’y that catches the fish
And brings them home to Lizer.’

“The other fella asked, ‘What if you were born with only half a brain?’ The Newfy didn’t miss a stroke, he sang:

” ‘Sods and rinds to cover your flake
Cake and tea for supper
Codfish in the spring o’ the year
Fried in maggoty butter.’

“The other fella asked, ‘What if you were born with no brain at all?’ Again the Newfy didn’t miss a stroke , he sang:

” ‘Alouette, gentille alouette,
Alouette, je te plumerai.’

“Do you get it? It’s not racist because it was told to me by a Frenchman and I have lots of friends that are Newfies. They see the humor in it.

“There was a crazy lady around here this morning, yelling her head off, I hate this and I hate that, she went on and on. There was a crackhead on the corner. She handed him half of a cigarette butt. He said, ‘Thank you.’ She cursed him up and down. She was offended that he thanked her.

“There was a guy, he sometimes sued Joy’s spot across the street. He held a sign that read, ‘Help Fight Hobophobia.’ It’s similar to Help Fight Homophobia. Some people got really upset. They thought it was aimed at gays. He was poisoned twice.

“He was a strange guy, nobody liked him much. They said he talked crazy. Mind you, I probably talk crazy sometimes, myself.”

I said, “I remember that guy, I had some interesting conversations with him. He described himself as a Stoic Epicurean. He said he didn’t socialize with other street people. He preferred his own company.”

Chuck said, “I can see that, if he was stoic, he’d keep to himself. The others probably didn’t understand what he was talking about, so they thought he was crazy.  Did I ever tell you this joke?… There were two groups of women, one group were acrobats, the other group were nude beauty contestants. What was the difference?:… The first group exhibited cunning stunts, the second group exhibited stunning ——. I like dirty jokes where I don’t have to actually say the words.

“Sometimes, when I’m with the guys, we’ll see a bunch of  beautiful women. I’ll say, ‘That’s a fine example of female pulchritude.’ They think I’m saying something really nasty.

“There was a crazy guy here. He came up to me and asked if he could pet the dog. I said, ‘Okay.’ He started petting me. I said to him, ‘Get away from here, you son of a bitch! If I could stand, I’d punch your lights out!’ I haven’t seen him since.”

I said, “I’ll have to go now, Chuck. I’m not sure if I’ll see you tomorrow, the weather forecast is for snow.”

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Comments
  1. […] Source: Cunning Stunts […]

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  2. oldcocker says:

    Skewed but nice. A treat for my cauliflower ears.

    Like

  3. eframare says:

    “There was a crazy guy here. He came up to me and asked if he could pet the dog. I said, ‘Okay.’ He started petting me…This made me laugh

    Like

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