Archive for February 27, 2020

They Call Me Red

……

 

27 August 2013

At noon the usual suspects were at the park and Andy who I hadn’t met before.

Joy said, “He’s not really one of us anymore. He doesn’t live in Toronto, he has a job as a Security Guard, ugh.”

I asked, “Where do you live, Andy.”

“In Val-d’Or. I work as a Security Guard but I don’t arrest people. Usually, when I say I’m going to call the cops they run away. Sometimes I have to get physical. I stare them down and say, ‘You really don’t want to do this.’ ”

Joy said “That scar down your face might intimidate a few people. You’re the first native I’ve seen for a long while who had a full set of teeth, and they’re white, just like mine.

Debbie said, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but there’s a murder of crows passing over head.”

Joy questioned, “A murder of crows?”

Andy said, “That’s the right word for a flock of crows  — a murder. Do you want to know where I learned that? The Simpson’s. I never thought I could actually learn something from the Simpson’s, but in the episode where Homer gets stoned on pot, Marge says to Homer, ‘Hmm… Homer, I’m very uncomfortable about having a gang of crows in our bedroom.’ Homer replies, ‘It’s a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.’ ”

Debbie said, “It’s a good omen to see crows.”

Joy asked, “A good omen for who?”

“For anyone who is there to witness it.”

Joy said “When I was seventeen, that would be back in ’82, I was driving a brand new Honda.  I was going down O’Connor Drive. I came to a turn so I cranked the wheel, but it locked.  I drove straight into a house.  There was five thousand dollars damage to the house and ten thousand to the car. These scars on my shins are from, dashboard, dashboard, and this one below my knee is from a hatchet.”

I said, “Tell us about the hatchet.”

“It was an old boyfriend. When I told him I was leaving he said, ‘If I can’t have you, then nobody can, Stumpy. That took eighteen months to heal. At one point, they thought they might have to amputate my leg. He got his back though. He now has two fingers on his left hand and none on his right. That’s what happens when they’re pushed through the spokes of a Harley when the back wheel is spinning. Just like a meat grinder. I was forced to watch. I didn’t mind that so much, except I was sprayed with blood from head to foot. I wasn’t pleased about that”

I asked, “How are you, Shakes?”

“You know me, I’m always the same. If I ever change I’ll let you know. The happy hunting ground isn’t ready for me and they don’t want me down there, so you’re stuck with me.”

Joy said, “They don’t want me up there and they don’t want me down below for fear  I’ll start a union. I don’t think I’d like Purgatory after all the episodes I’ve watched of Paranormal.”

Debbie said, “My kids asked me what I want them to do with me after I die. I said, ‘Just take me to the deepest part of the forest and leave me there.’ My spirit won’t be in my body anyway, so it really doesn’t matter.”

Shakes was lounging on the grass as usual. He waved his feet in the air and said, “See, last night I stepped in dog shit.”

Joy said, “Please, Shakes, you’re disgusting.”

Alphonse said, “Did you hear that Shane died last week? He had a heart attack. He was only thirty-three years old.”

Shakes said, “He was drinking three bottles of rubby a day. I gave him shit for that. I said to him, ‘For all the money you spend on that friggin stuff, you could have bought a real bottle.’ That’s why I stick with my Jack.”

I said, “And Jake sticks with his Jake-anators.”

Joy said, “That’s too many that have died. Silver, Serge now Shane. Who’s going to be next?”

Debbie asked, “Dennis, what do you think of my hair?”

“It looks really great, Debbie.”

“Little Jake did it for me this morning.”

“Jake, I didn’t know you were so talented.”

As I was leaving, I met Hippo. I asked, “How are you doing?”

“I’m just coming back from court. I gotta go back at one-thirty, to sign a Peace Bond.”

I asked, “Is this from the time at your apartment building, when you attacked the cop with a hammer?”

“Yeah, I’ve got restrictions: I can’t drink, use drugs or carry weapons, that includes hammers. I guess even a toothpick could be considered a weapon.”

~~~

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