Archive for April 8, 2020

They Call Me Red

……

 

27 September 2013

At the park, it was hot,  the kind of weather we wished we’d had in summer. I sat on the sidewalk with Stan, Mariah, Fat Chuck, Jacques, Shakes, Hawk and his dog Dillinger.

Chuck said, “I was listening to Q-107. Every Friday they pick the ‘Bonehead of the week’:

This week’s Bonehead of the Week comes to us from…where else…Florida! A Deltona man was a little short on cash when he went to pay his water bill. Soon, the entire water department was shut down because of an unknown powder – which turned out to be crack. In an envelope. He had tried to pay his water bill with crack cause you know, the street value was probably even more than he owed on his water bill!

Another one was

…about a local lad. Seems a 19-year-old burglar kicked in the window of an Oshawa hair salon to steal $50. In doing so, he cut his foot. So he went a couple of blocks away and called 9-1-1 for his small laceration. The cops were able to put two and two together rather quickly, and he was arrested. 

Stan, wearing roller blades, was watching a man, with his foot on the curb, bending over to tie his shoe. Talk about boneheads, do ya see the size of the wad sticking out of that guy’s back pocket? I’ve been timing him. He’s just waiting to get robbed.”

I said, “So, that’s why you’re wearing the roller blades.”

“Yeah, once a day, just to keep in practice. Sometimes they just make it too easy.”

Shakes made a comment to Chuck who said, “We’re having a conversation here, Shakes. Talk to Jacques.

“Does anybody want some pizza? I go to this restaurant where they give me all their leftover pizzas. There’s more than I can eat.”

I asked, “Aren’t you staying with Bruce, doesn’t he have room in his fridge for the extras?”

“Well, I am, but that’s just temporary, anyway there are only so many days you can eat pizza, then I just throw it out.

“Yesterday I offered to clean out his fridge. It really needed it. He said, ‘Go for it.’ I threw out three big jars that had once had beets in them, but all that was left was about an inch of juice in the bottom, so I chucked them. When he checked the fridge he asked, ‘Where’s my beet juice?’ I said the jars were empty, there were no beets left. He said, ‘It’s the juice I like. Now, what am I going to put on my french fries?’ Have you ever heard of that, beet juice on french fries? ha ha ha ha ha.

I asked Mariah, “Have you had any more problems with spirits?”

“They’re still there, coming and going, but they haven’t been bothering us.”

I said, “I guess  Joy’s been sleeping well then?”

“I don’t know. She’s not here today because of women’s problems.”

Shakes passed a folded grocery flyer to Jacques, who passed it to Chuck, who passed it to Mariah.  He said, “Mariah, can you roll me a joint? I’m a bit shaky this morning. She opened the flyer. In the crease was a line of crumbled weed and a rolling paper. She rolled the joint.

I said, “When I was a smoker, I always used to roll my own cigarettes.”

Chuck said, “It reminds me of prison. The first day they’d hand you a packet of Drum tobacco, rolling papers and a pack of matches. Then they’d say, ‘Now, don’t go burning the place down.’ Ha ha ha ha ha.

“I had to borrow some money from my dad this morning. I said to him, ‘Daddy, can I have ten bucks. I’m flat broke and I need to buy a bottle.’ He pulled out his wallet and I could see that it was stuffed. I said, ‘You might as well give me a twenty so I can buy two bottles.’ If he’s going to show me his money, of course I’m going to ask for it. No point asking for too much or he’d just say no, but if I ask for a little bit less, and he agrees to it, I’ll always ask for extra. Ha ha ha ha ha.”

Jake said, “I owe four hundred dollars on my television bill. If I don’t pay them at least two hundred they’re going to cut me off. I also have a drug bill of sixty dollars. I’m not going to be able to pay both. Maybe I’ll ask Buck if he can wait until next week I’ll be getting a GST (Goods and Services Tax) refund on Tuesday.”

I said, “Now’s the time to ask him.”

“Buck, can I hold off paying you until next week, or the end of the month?”

“Sure.”

I asked, “Did you mean the end of this month, or the end of some month?”

Mariah was rearranging her TENS Muscle Therapy pads. She uses them for muscle massage on her back. “These work as well as a massage.  I paid about a hundred and sixty for these, but the price has really gone down now. I think you could probably pick up a unit like this for a hundred and thirty.

“That sun is really getting to me. I got a beer in my pack, but I don’t even feel like drinking it.”

Chuck said, “Did you hear that massage therapy is covered under our Sunshine Cards?”

I asked, “What’s a Sunshine Card?”

Mariah said, “It’s what we call our medical disability health cards.”

“Yeah, ” said Chuck, “some guy was going to a massage parlor and, sure enough, she was running the card through her machine and giving him a receipt. Only, he wasn’t getting massages, he was getting blow jobs. Can you imagine, the government paying for blow jobs? He was going every week. Some guys really know how to work the system. It’s a good way to relieve tension. I think they put a stop to that pretty quick, or else I’d be there right now. Ha ha ha ha ha.”

Mariah said, “I don’t go for massages, but I go to my ‘chiro’ every once in awhile, when my back acts up. That’s covered.”

Chuck said, “The problem with ‘chiros’ is that they make you feel so good — even better than you feel normally — so that’s how they keep you coming back.”

Stan watched a young woman walk by, talking on a cell phone. He shouted to her, “Hey! you’re not really talking to anybody. You’re just trying to look important, ‘She said, she said, she said…’  Faker!  Faker! Faker!”

~~~

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