Bus Ramp – 29 April 2014

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29 April 2014

“Good morning, Chuck. It’s another cold one.”

“Yeah, that’s why I pulled my hood up and wrapped my scarf around my face. I should have worn my winter coat. I was out earlier walking Goldie. My doctor wants me to walk a bit every day to help my muscles. To the end of the block and back is the most that I can do.

“I get so mad sometimes waiting to get on the bus. People see the ramp coming down, they hear the beeping. Sometimes they try to jump on while the ramp is still coming down. In the process they’re trying to jump over me. I really give them shit. The bus driver just laughs, because he knows I’m right. He just shakes his head.

“I’m so fucking mad today. I’m still having trouble over my television bill of eighty-six dollars. The bank made a mistake. They admitted they sent the money to the wrong account. I asked them to phone Bell. They won’t do that. I talked to a lady at Bell last night and she said everything was straightened out. She also said they would be sending me a refund for an overcharge for programming that I didn’t receive. I was supposed to get a check for fifty dollars. They sent me a check for a hundred and fifteen. I was just trying to be honest, I phoned Bell, got some guy with an Indian accent, and told him the situation. He looked up my account and said that I still owed eighty-six dollars. I told him that had all been settled. I’d paid the bill and had the receipt in front of me. He called me a liar. Then he said, ‘That might be a  bit strong, but the bill still shows as still being outstanding. If it’s not paid we’ll cut off your service.’ At that point I slammed the receiver down. I’m going to have to go to their office, if I can find it,  and get this straightened out.”

I asked, “Have you heard anything more from your son, about laying sod with Bearded Bruce?”

“As far as I know it’s still on, but I don’t know any details.

“I heard a joke today. Some jokes leave words out. This is one of those. Okay, there was this circus with two rings. In one ring were some acrobats. In the other ring were some strippers. In the first ring they performed cunning stunts. In the second ring they exhibited stunning ____. You have to fill in the missing word.

“There’s another one that I made up when I was a kid. I got in trouble for it in school. We had this question on an exam paper, ‘What is the difference between poetry and prose?’ I wrote, ‘Poetry rhymes, prose doesn’t; for example:

“There was a young woman from Vars
the water came up to her belt.’

“That’s prose.

If it was poetry it would rhyme:

“There was a young woman from Vars
the water came up to her ___.’

” The teacher got so mad. Do you get it? The missing word is ‘arse’.

There are a bunch like that. One time I was sitting alone at a bar in Newfoundland. Two guys from across the room asked, ‘Do you know any Newfy jokes?’ I said, ‘Yes.’ I thought that I was in for a pounding; but they said, ‘Come on over, we’ll buy you a drink.’  I know a lot of jokes. I kept telling them, they kept the beer coming. When I left, I could barely walk. They called a cab and made sure I got home safe.

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