First Beer – 3 September 2014

Posted: September 3, 2014 in Dialog, Prose
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,




3 September 2014

“Good morning, Dennis. I hardly slept at all last night.  I got up an hour late, took my heart pills, my water pills, didn’t have a chance to shave, washed my face, that was it. I’m not staying past 9:00. My lady friend is coming over for lunch, so I’ll pick up some flowers, and chicken on my way home. We’d arranged it a few days ago. I forgot that she wasn’t working Tuesday. I phoned her at 8:00 last night, to confirm, but she was in bed. I think I may have woken her. She wasn’t very pleased.

“I had a good weekend. I worked Saturday and Monday. The only problem was the buskers. They have a licence to play at designated corners, so when they came I had to move. I found one corner that was unoccupied. I’ve panned there before and never made anything, but Saturday I got thirty dollars. That was a nice surprise. I got forty on Monday. Sunday I could have come down, but I was just too tired.

“I got a joke for you. There were three Newfies (residents of Newfoundland) hitch hiking. A pickup truck stopped. One got in the front, the other two rode in the box. The driver lost control of the truck and it plunged into a river. The driver and the Newfie in the front swam to safety, but the two in the back were drowned. Do you know why? They didn’t know how to unfasten the tailgate. I used to know a lot of those jokes. The people who like them the most are Newfies.

“Here’s another. this Newfie told his wife that he was going to apply for work on the police force. He got an appointment and talked for a while to the senior officer. He said to his wife, ‘The guy asked me a bunch of questions. He wasn’t  too pleased with my answers, but I told him the truth, right from my heart.’ He said, ‘I’ll give you one more chance. If you can answer the following question, I’ll let you have a job. The question is who killed Jesus?’ I replied, ‘I don’t know.’ His wife asked, ‘Did you get the job?’  The man said, ‘Of course I did.  He put me on a murder case. He want’s me to find out who killed Jesus, so he’s already made me a detective.’

“I nearly got in trouble with this big guy. I told a joke and he asked me to repeat it. I did and explained why I had said it. He said, ‘That makes sense.’ We became friends after that. I didn’t like to be around him too much, he was always looking for a fight.  That’s what we used to do back then. We’d get drunk and fight. The next day we’d be best of friends again. If it was me who started the fight, then I’d buy the first beer.

“I was thrown in jail for fighting, served eleven days. I’d been to my doctor earlier. He gave me a prescription for Valium. The cops put me in the patrol car and I took twenty pills. When we got to the jail I was out cold. I think I slept nearly two days. They asked me why I took the pills, I said, ‘If I have to spend time here, I might as well catch up on my sleep.’

“I think I told you about my relatives who owned the houseboat… Now, what was I going to say about them. I’ve completely lost my train of thought. It’ll come to me. There’s a disease where people lose their memory. It’s called Al…, Alz..”

I asked, “”Do you mean Alzheimer’s?”

“Yes, that’s it. I pulled that one on my friends at the mall. My lady friend said, ‘So, you were making a little joke.’ “Yes,’ I said, ‘a very little joke.’ They got a kick out of that.”


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